i was planning on crying tonight. i had contemplated on how i feel depressed earlier today. at how i feel unloved again. at how it seems nobody really cares for me. like if i suddenly disappear or vanish, it’s likely no one would even notic or bother to even look for me. how i never receive any flowers at all. not even on occasions that call for it, be it a bouquet or just a single stem rose.
i recall an incident where i had to stop tears from falling because i saw roses being sold on the street. it was 2 days after valentines day and they were still selling roses on the street. and guys were buying one, three, a bouquet of them to give their girlfriends. and all i can do was to look away and fight back the tears. i have never gotten flowers even from the only relationship that i have ever had. maybe because i told him then that i don’t want flowers because they’re too cliche. and so he took my word for it. so i was the first one to give him a rose. somehow he didn’t get the hint.
i have received roses before, for my birthday, from a suitor that i really didn’t like. credits to him, but the three red roses weren’t really pretty. when i took them out of the ribbon and setting, the petals just fell. like the flowers were a day or two away from wilting. i guess that says a lot for that suitor – i had to end his hopes for the omen of the fallen rise petals. of course i’m thankful that he made effort to give me roses, but i would’ve appreciated themmore if they were fresh and just about to bloom.
maybe that’s one of the reasons why i have never gotten any flowers again. ever. not even as a birthday gift or for valentines. nada. maybe when i told my previous relationship that i don’t want to receive any flowers, i somehow declared to the universe that i don’t want any flowers at all. ever.
and so i thought of crying tonight.