independence day

i like the idea of writing a novel. that i will someday be a published novelist, a writer, someone who earns acclaim because of the genius that is in my words and stories. 

like liz gilbert. or erma bombeck. 

i like the idea of having to write freely, the creativity just flowing out, the words that i put down building together a story that may or may not have been already told. as long as the story comes from me, i know it will be original. 

i sometimes hate having to be bound by editing and correct grammar, which i guiltily have this tendency to always do. i mentally proofread everything i read, especially stuff that i write. i want to freely write, without care of having to conform it to acceptable rules of proper writing. i want to freely curse and use censored words in my stories or whatever it is that i am writing. 

i want to freely write in a genre that i don’t have any idea if it can even be categorized into any genre there is.

i have been wanting to write about my days in the field. ok, i make it sound like i did battle on some field. what i mean is development fieldwork. right after i left, i vowed that i will write about it. but of course, it’s me who declared that, so i didn’t and haven’t done it. 

nothing new with that. i am forever the procrastinator anyway. which again i should free myself from. 

besides that, i have been wanting to write more stuff. and always, always, i never do. 

i have been putting those off for so many years now. 

and i don’t really want to make another sweeping declaration that i will begin writing today, because i know i will just end up feeling crappy because i was not able to do so. 

let me just put it this way. today is the country’s independence day. a celebration of our freedom. and today, as flags are raised and government people celebrate in every way (as they are obliged to do), i will slowly free myself from whatever it is that is holding me down. i will savor the freedom that i have been entitled to. i will free myself from all the crappiness that i have been letting myself caged in for the past…geez, 20 years? because i know my writing passion began in 1997, right after college and after a heartbreak. when i started work, i still felt free, sure, but i suppose i was starting to get trapped in rules and conformity. 

it’s about time i wake up, shake things off, and embrace what i have kept hidden for the longest time. 

so let me just say, today, 12th of june 2016, is my independence day. 


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